For My Dad

The Day My Life Changed Forever:

    The day was November 16/1996. I was 20 years aold, just a few weeks shy of turning 21. The year started out as the best year of my life. I traveled from mid January to mid March with my best friend Susy, all across Europe. The best time of my life! We visited Nice, Rome, Budapest, Munich, Berlin, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Madrid. I came home and enjoyed the summer. My mind has blackened out parts of my memory, for my own sake I would imagine. So some details are sketchy. It was around the 13th of September 1996, when my dad had some kind of break from reality and was dealing with pychosis. He was amazing father and business man. He was managing a local Credit Union for almost 25 years. My mom and I both were working there as well. My dad loved his work so much. He enjoyed helping people get their finances in order and gave loans to some, that other banks would not. He had a giant heart. He always took his work home with him, we went on a summer vacation every year, yet he still called work everyday to make sure things were running smoothly. For reasons I will never know, he went into work on a Saturday morning and took $300,000 and disappeared. There is nothing more devastating then not knowing where your loved one is. We live a short 45 minute drive to a small US boarder crossing, we assumed that was where he was (remember, this is before 9/11). For three agonizing weeks we had no clue where my dad was. Nor were the police. It was on the National news that there was a worldwide warrant for his arrest. My city has roughly 110,000 people. A mid size city, not huge, not small. It was front page news everyday that he was missing. A lot of the time he was missing, I don't recall. But I do recall the morning when my mom and I were having coffee and all of the sudden my dad walked in the back door. We were frozen, speechless. At the time he arrived in our house, I found this out later, he had taken a bottle of medication to try and kill himself. He managed to drive an hour home, across the boarder and walk in the house. His appearance was drastically different, he had grown a beard, was disheveled and had no shoes on. It is when he spoke that I broke down. He started accusing my mother and i of holding him captive and drugging and hurting him. My heart was breaking, this was not my father. I don't think from that day on, I ever really saw the dad I grew up with again.  The Credit Union he managed was for city employees, so most of the Police force knew my dad personally. The police were so very kind and caring and did there best to deal with my father in his state. They told him there was a mix up with with his 2 cars and he had to go with them to sign some stuff. They never even put handcuffs on him. The lead detective on the case knew and really liked my dad, I know this case was hard on him as well. That night I recall going to the jail for the first time in my life, it was so surreal. I tried to talk to him through the phone, but he was still accusing me of hurting him. I don't recall any more of that night. He was arraigned in court the next morning and was sent to the local Psychiatric Hospital's Forensic Unit for 30 days. It was Oct.1 when he went in and Halloween when he came out. I visited my dad every day for those 30 days, but I do not recall much. November 4th was my dad's 53rd birthday. I do remember and have not forgot that day. My dad, mom and myself went to East Side Mario's for dinner and then we went and saw the movie 'Ransom' will Mel Gibson. It was a really special evening that I will never forget. On November 13th, my dad told me to take my mom to the states and have a fun relaxing weekend after everything we had been through. The the first thought I had was 'he is going to kill himself'. We left on the 14th, I tried calling home all day of the 15th to no answer. My gut just knew something terrible had happened. We came on Sunday November 16/1996, I pulled into the driveway and as soon as I saw two newspapers in the mail box, I knew my dad was gone. I just remember running into the house with my mom. The bedroom was upstairs and we ran up. My went into the bedroom and yelled for me not to come in, I wish I never did. I lost my dad to suicide that day and my life has never been the same. My whole existence seemed to shatter in a nanosecond. I just remember running back downstairs and collapsing, after that I just recall going to the police station and then to my Aunt and Uncle's how to stay there. The rest of the time is gone, a blur. I am pretty sure  I was being given medication to keep me calm. Tomorrow is the 19th anniversary and it is still like it happened yesterday. I have been plagued by immense grief for all of these years. I have lost have my life being 'lost'. It is time for me to forgive myself and heal. No matter if I had said something before we left regarding my thoughts that he would die by suicide, he would have done it some other time. He left my mom, brother and I tapes to listen too. I can't recall what he said, but I know he said he loved me. I have truly suffered for these past 19 years and it is time for me to forgive myself, my dad would not have wanted this. I am finally going for grief counselling starting soon. 

Who My Dad Was:

  My hero. I was totally daddies little girl and I had my dad wrapped around my finger. :) My dad loved his yard! He was always watering his grass and mowing it perfectly. Heaven forbid we rode our bicycles on the lawn, lol. Ever since I was a little girl, and had a toy Fisher Price yellow and orange shopping cart, my dad would take me and my cart shopping with him. I know how much he enjoyed spending that time with me. For when I got to be a teenager, and my dad said let's go, I said for the first time, no I think i will stay home. I instantly saw a flash of sadness over come him and I totally changed my mind and went with him. My dad was not one to give hugs or one to show emotion or say I love you, but I know he did. We would go on a two week road trip every summer and it usually included at least one or two Major League baseball games. I will never forget how much my dad enjoyed going to the ballpark. I know he would have been very proud of his Blue Jay's this year! He loved sports, I couldn't even think of how many hockey and baseball games we watched together on TV. I still to this day enjoy watching those two sports thanks to my dad. I showed dogs starting at the age of 8. I was a natural, if I do say so myself. I would compete in Junior Handling, where I was judged on my handling skills, I won every time. Some times I would be in the ring and I would catch a glimpse of my dad, he would leave work just to come and watch me. He would stay till i was done and then he was gone. My heart always swelled seeing him there, I loved to make my dad proud. Once I was working with my dad, I so enjoyed spending our lunch hour together. My dad was a family man through and through. He did everything for us. It is time to say goodbye dad, I will always and forever love and miss you. I am almost 40 and I need to heal, this is one way of doing so. You will remain in my heart and I can't wait to one day see you again. I want to make you proud again. I know you would not want me to be this devastated still after 19 years. I am sharing this with those who love me and loved you. You will never be forgotten. <3 I love you so much dad, see you again one day, your loving daughter, Michelle Andrea Binette 

My Mom and Dad on their wedding day! <3

My dad loved his cars!!! :)

This photo has seen better days, but I still love it. <3

My mother (who is my very best friend) and my older brother David. :)

Then came along little ol' me! ;)

My dad at Christmas, must have been around 1985.

Our family vacations consisted of traveling with our trailer. So many awesome places we went and so many joyous memories created in the first 20 years of my life! 

On to new amazing memories for the 20 years!

Dad, you will never be forgotten, ever!

Richard George Joseph Binette

November 4/1943 - November 16/1996